This man is legend….wait for it……..dary! He is my role model and if you liked his book, you will love my blog. My goal in life is to be as awesome as Tucker Max.

This man is legend….wait for it……..dary! He is my role model and if you liked his book, you will love my blog. My goal in life is to be as awesome as Tucker Max.

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The Crazy Bitch

The next addition to my gruesome sexual escapades happened at the same girl’s house, however this time, I was 16 years old, a little more experienced and better equipped for the wide wonderful world of the female anatomy. This night I decided a new angle, aim low, and be sure to hit the target. So I met this not so classy girl whilst inside, once again tempted by the alcohol and drinks within, we started drinking quite heavily and before I knew it, I was three sheets to the wind. This helped because the drunker I got, the more attractive she became.

We went outside to see what was happening and she then had this crazy desire to have my t-shirt, implication if I have ever heard one. I happily agreed and we then sat down upon this tree. The time was 10.30pm and in a crazy sexual urge outside, sitting on this tree, I started to rub her vaginal region. She quickly got aroused and then I took of her top, with my love of boobs I groped hers and started to suck the nipples. This quickly got her going and I then started to finger her so intently that she was moaning before I had even entered. Afterward she got up, got herself covered up and went inside, saying ‘meet me in the bedroom in 10 minutes.’ Under the natural assumption that sexual intercourse was going to occur, I looked at her twice to double check what I was doing was viable, a big mistake on my behalf and I wasn’t sure I wanted to continue down this long and treacherous path. Anyways, I thought to myself to bite the bullet, and get it done with and the fun night, became a task. I proceeded inside to complete the deed unfortunately or fortunately there were no bedrooms available, so we resulted to the bathroom, within the house. This was a problem of course, because the lock didn’t work, but we will get to that later. We entered the bathroom and she then continued to remove clothes, looking at a completely naked female body obviously would get someone in the mood reasonably quickly, but I really was becoming aware of what I was doing, and it wasn’t pretty at all. So after a quick grope and hand job which wasn’t a treat. In order to get a true appreciation for my decision, you must know that her hand job giving abilities where shocking to say the least and instead of a standard hand job she insisting on jerking me off as if she were stabbing me with my own dick, not exactly skilled. Another major factor was the quick glance at the vagina before fingering/sex, and what I saw will remain with me forever. I saw a mole on the left side flap, with 3-4 hairs poking out of it. At this moment I decided against it, and I got up from the horizontal position I was in on the bathroom floor and said ‘I can’t theirs, *short pause* someone else,’ and this line was especially from a movie. This brings up a little hint/ tip to all those in my position, god forbid, whenever you either want to talk to girls, or get out of a situation, pretend to be some pretty boy from a movie prime example, Troy Bolton, say something sensitive and she will believe you in an instant because she has seen the horse shit that they say, and that’s what girls want. Back to the topic this was a weird decision, and she was shocked by it, in all honesty as was I, however, it happened and that’s when I realised my sober conscience was kicking in. As I rose up from the horizontal position I was at, and started to dress myself. She was attempting to put her clothes back on as well, however her dress was quite complex and thus, it took some time for her to do this. She was trying to place her tits within her dress, and at this moment, with an erection still apparent, someone opened up the door had a peek and quickly closed it, with the assumption that we were doing something, yelling ‘Sorry.’ The drunk me found this hilarious, anyways, the dressing of each other was some of the most awkward moments of my life, as I was putting on my pants, she was constantly staring at me, this certain stare felt like an X-ray scanner, looking into my soul, with her looking at every single movement I made. To make things even weirder, a drunken woman, around the age of 40 walked in the bathroom and sat on the toilet and started to take a piss. I could do nothing but look in astonishment at the woman so blatantly urinating in front of us, it was one those moments in ones life, where everything stands still as you attempt to snap back into reality. I felt the situation get considerably out of hand, and I had such a desire to bail, however, with the door being blocked by the urinating woman, I had to bail somehow and with a glance to my left, I saw a fly-screen-less window of opportunity and with the house being a one story building, I knew that jumping out of the window would be a safe option. Many people talk about thinking outside the box, it is such a handy tool when at this tender age, and I suggest using the outrageous parts of your brain when necessary. Attempting to be sneaky, I crept out of the window; however, the crazy girl noticed my escape route and proceeded to call my name telling me to get back in he house, as I heard it I started to retreat back into the bathroom, then a burst of adrenaline ran through my body like a gun shot and I leapt out of the window, after falling on some relatively soft bushes I then got up and ran towards a tree outside on the other side of the road, with alcohol still surging through my veins like scorpion poison, I thought I could escape her by climbing up this tree. This however failed, because half way up the tree, I saw her running across the road towards me, once again yelling my name in a stalker like fashion. It is true when scientists say that alcohol effects your judgement because I proceeded to deliberately fall out of the tree and acted as if I were unconscientious the plan being that she would give up on me, and leave me alone, but this back fired and instead of her walking away and giving up, she lay next to me and stroked my hair gently as if I were some sort of stranded girl that she was going to rape, saying my name and ‘I will look after you, you are safe with me etc,’ oh how it runs shivers up my spine. I then abruptly got up from my unconscientiousness and ran away from her, yelling behind me ‘I need to find my friends,’ I was sure I could hear some crazy, neurotic sounds coming from her obsessive mouth, but I ignored them and continued to run up to my friends house and then went straight to sleep, extremely traumatised. This story sounds farfetched, but this was the general road for all of my sexual encounters and adventures with the foreplay and various different aspects of the extraordinary journeys towards the eventual, if apparent sexual intercourse.

The Dildo Experience

This next night was a surprisingly wild one, in consideration to the nature of most of these events. As previously mentioned I live within an estate, and on a Saturday night after work, it is extremely difficult to get out of this estate, especially after drinks. Anyways, I received a text message saying that there was a small party going on at a friend’s house. Off I travelled, with a few beers expected a very chilled out environment, and hopefully a little bit of vagina to put the icing on the cake.

This particular friend has a mother; she is single now and a complete and utter M.I.L.F with feeling of sexual tension, frustration and the unsatisfying penis of random older men surrounding her. She has this sense of subtle sexuality which has only doubled since her boyfriend and her split up. Regardless, tempted by the alcohol I was quite the drunken wreck and I got with one of the only viable girls at the party at the time, that being quite uneventful I will continue to when one of my friends, who also shares my curiosity and the milf, and I went exploring into our friend’s mum’s room. This is naturally quite rude, however completely necessary in order to put my drunken mind at rest. We entered the room and found two canvases with pictures of the mum, doing very sexual and erotic poses; one of them was with her covering her nipples with her arms, but in turn pushing her tits together forming cleverage beyond belief and the other was one of her in lingerie, legs spread with the most sexually craving look on her face, this was a realisation of a wild fantasy slowly becoming true. We then naturally assumed we would find some sex toys within the bedroom, only to open up one of the bathroom draws and find two dildos, might I also mention that I open these drawers first, I believe that my milf radar was zoning in on this draw for this very reason. This wouldn’t be too much of an absolute shock because most women have them, except that these two dildos were the real deal, both of which were certified porn star material, and I think over regulation size as well. Especially the first, which was a large red dildo, and when I say large, I mean fucking huge, nothing wrong with having a huge dildo, except if I ever did get the opportunity to have intercourse with her and she used that thing regularly she would barely be able to feel me as I have my way with her. The other was an absolute work of sexual art, I give my personal condolences to the person who had to give this design away; the sexual aero dynamics on this mother fucker were perfectly designed for ultimate sexually pleasure, and what seemed like instant orgasm. This particular dildo had both a vibrating clit tickler, with knobbles and what seemed like plastic baby fingers on the end, and vibrating end piece that possessed magnetic balls that produce a magnetic field within the vagina, for absolute pleasure. I would like to also mention I picture her using these every time I look at the photo. It was real professional stuff, not that basic, boring and un-satisfying excuse of a sexual enhancer, of which slutty lesbians use for there un-touched arse hole. Taking a second glance at the photo whilst writing this, I have noticed that there is a bottle of lube within the draw as well, more than likely for the red pole lying within her draw.  Naturally many wouldn’t believe the things I am saying and thus, being the very prudent person I am, I decided to take a picture of these dildos, without touching them because god only knows where they have been. I went down to their level within the draw, and put this large ridiculous smile on my face and my friend took the picture using my phone. This provided evidence that both the dildos existed and that they were his mums because we were at his house, oh the joys of having a camera on your phone. All that is left to say is that I shall continue to record my experiences and share them with the world, regardless of how disturbing they may be.